I have a story to tell But I don't believe anyone wants to hear, I can tell by the scrutiny on their faces How unfamiliar the things that come out when I share They tell me, "That's impossible" They tell me, "That's not people-friendly" But what they are really saying It's not necessary to be unashamedly me , All except one I admit, I agree with them Maybe I should take it down a bit Have 'normal' interests, so others can comprehend Not to think so deep Not to be so 'sensitive' I have wished to be somebody everyone wants to keep So, I tried copying their tastes To find my place I could have pulled it off too, They believed it to be true All except one I didn't recognize me anymore My real smile was absent, My thoughts forgotten, And my feelings, well, dead. My 'me-mess', hidden in a box, Yet, I was 'normal' The voice with the story still managed to speak, In the hollow parts of my cheek I tried, hard, to keep the mask. Yet the cracks kept appearing No they didn't ask, they never ask When I was alone, I tried hard to convince myself, this was enough for All except one It took rejection for me to see, Even if I was someone else They still wouldn’t have chosen me. Person after person, friend after friend, They denied the one thing I sought. I remember the nights when with my soul I fought To be rejected because of who you are, Are the heights of pain, Something I cannot explain. Maybe that’s why I haven’t told my story. Maybe that’s why it’s hidden Because they wouldn’t understand And myself I couldn’t have forgiven Of course, all this is unknown to All except one To embrace me took a lot from that one, I couldn’t find the strength I didn’t have the courage to be myself I just wanted to pretend But I had run out of options to put on the shelf Slowly, he gave me a shovel I began digging for my mind, for my life To my surprise, I found it but didn’t love it How could he choose this for his wife? It was worse than before, bitter, hurt, ashamed and condemning It became my enemy like All except one Wounded, I open my heart to the one who gave his all Little by little, I made him get closer, Until he was in the middle of my mess And instead of running or requesting I get a 'helper' He took up a broom and started cleaning I stood clueless. Surely, there must be something I should do He read my mind and replied, ‘No, that’s why I died.’ Yet they didn’t see, they never see, All except one There is still mess But he hasn’t left Teaching me his truth is the only thing I need to profess I started loving me because he does Embracing my uniqueness because he saw them as good He tells me, I am worthy of celebration as any creation would I couldn’t tell this story because nobody would believe me, All except one
That’s how I started the year. This was the only way I could truly express my state of heart. My lifeline was the approval of men and if I didn’t get it, I would squirm in a corner, destitute, starving, burdened. But, to be pursued of God even like that is the best experience in the world! Guess what? He’s pursuing you too. Isn’t that amazing?
I listened this week “The Pursuit of God” by A. W. Tozer and fam, I was constantly draped. (I recently realized books were on Youtube! I know, I am late to that discovery but it doesn’t matter, I know now!) The ninth chapter was the most significant to me, it drove a wedge right into my heart.
“All I Need Is God”
A hundred pounds lifted from my back instantly. All I needed to do was to rest in God? I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone? You mean I can relax in public because I didn’t need to over filter anything? Whew. I’ve heard it before but when the dross clears from your heart, its secret places get discovered. You should spend some time meditating on that passage, paying special attention to ‘self-love‘. I trust you can see my error in the poem and perhaps in you.
To think when I wrote it tears smeared my screen and now, I have this ridiculous smile, feels beautifully strange. Even last time I was at a low, feeling estranged from God, turns out my idols stood between us. Idols of self and people pleasing. It’s amazing the power of the word, chastenings, fellowship, fasting and prayer. It’s amazing how the roads have led me here, seven months into the year. To be able to say, “All I need is God,” is no ‘hurry come up’ declaration or emotional stance. I realize that even when I don’t feel it and it helps me obey his commandments.
I don’t want you to be bound like me in pretense I nurtured. It becomes an unwanted vine, suffocating everything in its path. It blinded my eyes to all the love and acceptance around me. You don’t need seven months, you need a thirst. A thirst for rest and a weariness of the burdens you carry. Believe Him when He says,
How do You Live in that Rest?
Take up his yoke, deny yourself, take up the cross, do His will. Then learn of Him, get into his word, pray, fellowship with other believers. Then, anticipate the temptations to return to vines outside of God. Ensure you have a counter thought, promise or truth, look for the way of escape that’s provided. Precious, may we become meek, may we be ourselves, may we be bold enough to share our mess and imperfections, to seek only God’s approval and accept it, to be real with God and man.
Lastly, honour God in all things. Chapter 10 had these main point:
That means, every moment I spend should be used glorifying God, whether on whatsapp, Facebook, netflix, quiet time, group outings, posts, everything. I don’t want you to think I have perfected this. Trust me, it’s a daily battle, but now, I am not fighting against me or God, we are fighting the sinful nature together.
Other than more non-fiction posts, the long awaited Engraved Series continues next Friday! I have been musing on it and we are in for a treat. I can’t wait to see who picks up on the clues ! Yassss! I’m excited! Read Engraved: Doubts to refresh yourself on what happened last. Thanks to those who reached out to me, it has given me exxxtra motivation.
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